Ain’t it the truth?
Today has really opened my eyes. I’ve sort of had an out of body experience.
I realize that things are going to be okay. Whatever the outcome, things will always be okay. Life goes on, and you make due with what is handed to you. Life may not be fair, but that’s okay, because we’re all still alive after the day’s over, and we’ll continue to live until the day we die.
I’m not going to spend my days moping about. It’s not healthy, and it’s not how I want to live. Patience is key, and I’m going to remain patient. Good things come to those who wait. I may be a nice guy and finish last. But, hey, last is never the worst. I’m just taking my time and experiencing as much as I can along the way.
I still feel some sadness, but it is fading. It’s not being repressed. I like this feeling. The feeling of hope. The feeling of optimism.
What is love? It’s not something that can be explained through words. It’s something that is felt. You know it when it happens. That one moment, when you look into their eyes and everything just stops. You feel tense and nervous, but, at the same time, you also feel anxious and excited. So many thoughts are racing through your head, but your mouth can’t seem to find the words. You feel this thumping in your chest. It’s your heart. But it’s not like any other heartbeat you’ve felt before. These are powerful. Long. Steady. Intimidating almost, but you push back the fear and listen closer. What you hear is not just a heartbeat. It’s love, pumping through your entire body. Not just the kind of love you have for a favorite game or your pet or your family. When you want to set everything else in your life aside for this one girl. You’d do anything and everything for her. Just to see her smile one more time. Well, that’s how it went for me anyway.
There’s this girl. This one girl who came out of nowhere into my life. “Hi, I’m Molly” she says to me. Molly. Such a pretty name for a pretty girl. She smiles as gently grab her hand and give it a light shake. I feel the goosebumps run down my spine as I smile back at her. I felt like I could smell, touch, and taste everything. It was like my whole body opened up. So…unreal. I couldn’t believe what I was feeling. I’d never felt this way before. Next thing I know we’re talking, laughing, smiling, dancing and enjoying each other’s company. We were at a rock concert, you see. Then, all of a sudden, I feel a soft hand grasp mine. I look over and it’s her. Holding my hand, smiling and singing the song being played, looking into my eyes. I don’t know what came over me, but I couldn’t resist. I held onto her hand as well and we both held our hands up. I knew, at that moment, I was in love. I must’ve fallen hard and fast, because I couldn’t even remember it happening. It was real though. What I felt for this girl was like nothing I’ve ever felt for anyone before. We talked and hung out a lot after that night. I couldn’t get her off of my mind, and, apparently, she felt the same. I felt compelled to be there for her. I didn’t just want to, I felt the actual need to be there. To listen to her. To care for her. To love her. Like it was meant to be. I remember this one night, her and I were laying together and watching a movie, but she kept rolling over to look at me. Her eyes…let me tell you something. Her eyes are my favorite part about her. They’re so enticing. They put me in a trance that I feel like I’ll never get out of. She wanted to kiss me. I wanted to kiss her. I didn’t. I went home that night leaving her with just a hug. I don’t need to tell you how much I beat myself up over that. Needless to say, though. We kissed. Oh, boy, did we kiss. Her lips were so soft. Perfect. It was perfect. Everything I could’ve dreamed of and more. Her kisses were so gentle and…loving. I didn’t want it to end. It was like a drug. More addicting than any substance man has created. With each kiss, I wanted another. I wasn’t thinking with my dick, mind you. This was more than just a physical attraction. My intentions were good. I wanted her to be mine. I had to have her. I needed her. I made her mine. I won’t get too detailed with other things, but…after a while, we finally made love to each other. I don’t need to tell you it was amazing. Hell, it was more than amazing. It was divine. It was other-worldly. When our bodies touched, I could feel all of my nerves going crazy. I was shaking, but it was a good kind of shaking. This wasn’t just a fuck. It wasn’t a hook-up. This was real. I know what I felt, and I know it was real. If I had any doubts before, they were all gone now. I loved this girl. More than that. I was truly in love. She was always on my mind. I always thought of her, dreamed of her, and missed her. I was always the happiest when I was with her. She made me complete.
Then one day, I screwed up. I screwed up big time. I don’t know why I did this. I still beat myself up over it all the time. Flirting with other girls is never acceptable when you’re with someone. It was a mistake. I learned from it, but I guess it really wasn’t enough. From that moment on, all the happiness we shared with each other began to fade. Day after day, I felt her love slipping through my fingers. I hurt her. I hurt her really bad. I regret it all. I wish I could take it back. Maybe I wouldn’t be where I am today…maybe the things that happened wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for me. I am to blame for it all. I really am.
After about six months, it couldn’t go on. All the fighting, all the yelling, and all the screaming. It wasn’t right. That’s not how things were supposed to be. Maybe I wasn’t in love. Maybe I was just too caught up having someone make me feel the way she did. That’s what I thought then. I started doubting. And through that doubt, I ended our relationship. Mean words were exchanged throughout the course of time, and we built up this hate and frustration towards each other. Every time I’d hear her name after that, I’d cringe. I’d want to scream. I wished I didn’t have those memories, because they only caused me pain. Oh, yeah. She was with another guy too by now, about one month after the break up. That didn’t set too well with me. Not at all. She was MY Molly. Mine. To think she was spending time with this kid, this ungrateful, selfish little bastard. He took my Molly from me. Of course, I acted like I didn’t give a crap, but I did. I really did.
I slept around with a few people. Yep. I did. Proud of it? No. That’s not who I am. I also started to drink a lot during the time we weren’t talking. Why? To forget. I wanted to forget it all. I wished it was all just a long dream that just seemed real. It wasn’t a dream. I had to face it. It happened, man. Forgetting seems to be one of the things I’m really bad at, though. I couldn’t forget. How could I? She was amazing…my dream girl. She did so much for me and didn’t deserve what I did to her. I wanted her back. I didn’t go a single day without thinking about her. I would run scenarios through my head all the time. What I should’ve done differently, or what I would do if something like this happened. But, if I wasn’t in love, why was I still so hung up about it all? Here’s the answer. I was in love. No, not was. I am in love with her. And there’s no more doubting it. With all the girls I did things with or flirted with after the break-up. I found nothing I really wanted with any of them. They weren’t her. They weren’t Molly. My Molly.
After about four months, I get a text. It asks if they can talk to me. I freeze and the feeling of anxiety overwhelms me. It’s Molly. What could she want? After all this time, why is she trying to talk to me. I couldn’t ignore it. I wanted to talk to her. I missed her. I missed her a lot. We hung out that day. I had my guard up. I wasn’t sure what to make of it all. You want to know the weird thing about it all, though? It’s like she never left. I felt that same happiness I did before. I couldn’t help it. I flirted with her. I held her hand. I cuddled with her, and even held her to sleep. Like I said. Nothing was different. It was just how I remembered.
I love this girl more than you could ever imagine. I would die for this girl. She doesn’t want a boyfriend though, but she says she isn’t looking. She tells me she loves me, and that I’m her best friend. We act like we’re together, but we aren’t. I can’t stop myself though. I need her. You may think I’m crazy, but you’re not me. You don’t know what I’m feeling. I need her love. I need her to be mine again. And I sit here typing this up, crying onto my lap, but they aren’t happy tears. I feel like I won’t be able to have her. I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t want to suffer anymore. I want to go back to October 21, 2009 and do it over again. I want to make things right. I’ve always been the one to tell people to not live in the past. I’m really bad at not following my own advice. I’ve also said that people don’t fall out of love. No. You can love as many people as you want, but you only fall in love once. There’s no such thing as falling out of love. If you think you are, then you were never in love with that person to begin with.
That’s my problem though. I’m in love with a girl. Her name is Molly. But I don’t think she’s in love with me. So what do I do? This isn’t fair. I just want to smile again. Just like old times. I want to be loved. We can’t all get what we want though, can we? That’s just life. I guess I’ll just keep moving on. I’ll just keep wishing for her to fall in love with me. Cause I’m stuck, ladies and gentlemen.
I feel a little better now.
You’re such a follower. You aren’t even your own person. You’re a leech. A disgusting, mindless leech with nothing to show for. You’re talentless, and you’re gutless. It’s just adapt and duplicate with you. Not only that, but you’re two-faced as well. Only interacting with those who might get you somewhere higher on the social ladder, but the truth is, we all see through your deceit, and know how much of a fake you are. And if anyone doesn’t, well I feel sorry for them to have to put up with your bullshit. To top it all off, you suck so much dick, I’m surprised there’s anything left to pump out of the well. Is that mud on your face? No it isn’t. You know what it is? It’s shit. Shit from all the asses you bend over and implant your face into just kissing away. You infuriate me so much, but telling you all of this would be pointless as we don’t even talk anymore and starting shit is not what I do. I know you won’t read this, and if you do, you aren’t smart enough to figure out it’s you. If you dropped off the face of the Earth, I can honestly say I’d sleep just the same at night. Maybe even better, who knows?
Allow me to put it in simpler terms in case you still can’t get the message I’m broadcasting.
I feel a lot better now.
And I’m just getting started.
To start things off I woke up late for class. Joy. It’s the one class that I actually have to try in too. Way to go me. I should probably just drop the class and save my GPA, but I’m too stubborn and lazy to walk myself to the counselor and wait for two hours. The rest of my classes sucked intensely, except for the fact that this really cute girl sits next to me in my music appreciation class. Though, I can’t for the life of me ever remember her damn name.
Legs, man. Legs.
I piss myself off with how lazy I am. The fact that I don’t have a job makes it worse. If a place is hiring…why don’t they call me? Am I not qualified enough to work their shitty low end jobs? It’s not like it takes a complete genius to operate a cash register or to stock shelves. I just don’t get it.
The Apple store still hasn’t called me. It’s been far too long. What the fuck? I don’t even care if they didn’t fix my Macbook. I just want it back. I’m turning into paranoid parrot over here thinking they’re releasing the contents of my hard drive to the government or some shit. Not like I have anything to hide on there.
I just really want to cuddle. Damn. Cuddling fixes everything.
I haven’t used Tumblr in a while.
I guess I never really fully understood the purpose of it, so I just sort of left mine here to rot.
I think, though, I’m going to start using it a lot more. If there has to be any reason, it’s to relieve myself of stress or anger or anything really. I have a lot of things that I keep bottled up that I don’t believe are completely necessary to act out on, but ranting and complaining to my computer would suffice I think.
Just letting anyone who follows me know, that’s all you’re basically going to see from me: a lot of ranting and a lot of venting. I know there’s not many of you at all, but if you don’t want to hear it, please, by all means, unfollow me. I completely understand and won’t take any offense to it. Hell, it’d probably be best if nobody was following me because I might say something that could very easily offend someone. In fact, I know it’ll happen, but, if my friends are true, they won’t pass judgment on me for my views.
Anyway, like I said before, I don’t really know what everyone else uses Tumblr for, but this is what I’m going to use it for.
Nobody cares probably, and you’re most likely reading this and realizing what a waste of time it was.
Halfway through tour.
I have to say, I love being with my friends, and I love visiting new places and meeting new people.
I can also say that this is the most tired, dehydrated, and worn-out I’ve ever been.
I love it.
I am living life.
I seriously need a job, this is bumming me out!
I am determined! I am strong! I am ARMY STRONG!
lol..I am weird.